Fat People
Another go round

ust had another entry on my D-Board from an irate chubbster (5/20/02). I'm an inconsiderate FN' idiot because I believe (without reservation) that no one can get fat without eating food. And that the only sure way to lose a lot of weight is to stop eating a lot of food.

These are tough concepts to understand ... to be sure. Only the most hardened intellectuals could possibly come to grips with these awesome factoids.

What goes in must come out ...

What happens to the food we eat?

What's it for? and ... Where does it go?

The human body has only one way to obtain nutrition (that's what every animal needs to keep on truckin'). We obtain our sustenance by sticking it into our mouth (that's the big opening on the front of your face ... otherwise known as the "pie-hole"). Then you swallow it. On the way down to the stomach the glob of food is called a "bolus" (science has a name for everything no matter how noisome).

The food goes in there and don't come out no mo' that way ... unless you puke (but this isn't about pukesters). A small percentage of people also defecate out the aforementioned pie-hole but this is not about politics either. This is about feeding frenzies and how to stop them.

After you swallow, the food ends up in your belly where it is broken down into usable parts at the molecular level by bacteria, i.e. it rots in your gut ... with water or milk or beer added. Then when the bacteria are through with it (making new bacteria) most of them die 'cause after all is said and done ... nothing can live for long in a pile of shit (which is composed of dead bacteria ... mostly, and ... a few peanuts and assorted kernels of corn on the cob).

Most of the water is extracted in the intestine along with stuff of use to your cells. The useful stuff gets picked up by circulatory system and delivered to all the cells of your body to use in building new cells ... and ... for burning (like fire wood) ... 'cause, you see, maybe 80% of the stuff you eat is used to keep your body warm ... 'cause you're warm-blooded ... and as you may know, if you get real cold, it means you're dead. But if you're a snake (a big old python) you only need to eat like once every 6 months then you go under somebody's house and sleep and burp a lot.


Food is measured in a variety of ways but the most important one to this article is calories which means how much energy is needed to burn up what you just ate. If you are a normal sedentary American of average height and weight (like me), you need about 2000 calories of food per day to maintain your body weight. One pound of food is generally worth about 2000 calories. So, if you eat a 6000 calorie meal at the "All you can eat place", plan on gaining about 2 extra pounds. That's why I don't go there anymore.


Most dietary medicine men say you should exercise to lose weight because it raises you metabolism and thus you burn more calories.

Metabolism means "The rate at which your body burns food for heat". This translates into "body temperature". So, if your metabolism is low, your temperature is low. By temperature I mean the average temperature per gram of your body if you were put in a big blender and ground up into a malt (minus the heat of grinding).

I'm getting old (~54) so my metabolism is low and I feel cold when young bucks are still feeling hot. It's because their fire is burning at a greater rate. Hence, they can eat more without putting on weight 'cause they might need 3000 calories per day to maintain their weight.

Fat cells

Scientists say that you have a certain fixed amount of fat cells and by the time you are an adult, you won't acquire or lose any more (unless you get lipo-suction). This may be so. I recall a guy who worked at the hotel I once worked at who ... piled up food on his plate 3-4 inches high (it was free to staff - Rm&Bd). He was about 50ish then and wasn't too fat or too skinny ... just the normal middle-aged paunch. He would get at the front of the staff serving line and take 6 out of the ten available steaks ... and ... he ate them all ... yet he gained no weight. It almost killed him anyway though because the other fellows in the line were going to kill him for eating all the steaks ... but this isn't about murder.

Apparently there are some people who can eat whatever they wish and never gain anything at all. I can't since I got older. Used to when I was a teenager and in my 20s. I weighed 155 pounds for about 25 years.

The opposite however is not true. You can't gain weight by eating nothing. Unlike plants, we don't take in nourishment from the air.

Where does it go?

We take in oxygen from the air and the blood takes it from the lungs to the cells where it is combined with carbon (from sugar) to form carbon dioxide (CO2), i.e. it gets burned up but not hot enough to generate a flame. The CO2 is returned to the lungs and EX-haled, i.e. it is blown out as 'unusable' like smoke up a chimney (it's "air-shit").

NOTICE: To all fat people

All the above applies to you too. It is hard to lose weight because if you just eat the required 2000 calories ... that's just a small handful of food for the average person to consume. We want more. But if you eat that second handful that's another pound added to your frame ... and if you do that every day you will weigh 365 more pounds at the end of the year.

Well, actually you won't gain that much because the fatter you get, the more surface area you have to lose heat from and the more calories it takes to keep you warm. So, your minimum caloric requirement goes up. Somebody who weighs in at 600 pounds has perhaps 50% to 70% more surface skin area than me. So they might need 4000 calories to maintain that same bulk, i.e. they can eat a lot more than me and still not gain any further weight. Note: But not twenty buckets of KFC chicken and 12 pies and 4 gallons of ice cream ...
Obviously, it is easier to gain weight than lose because you can eat way more than 2000 calories but you can't eat much less. A lot less is called "fasting". That's a tough row to hoe.

Also, it's easy to do no exercise but very difficult to do a lot of exercise.

And eating is such a pleasure. It's one of the four great pleasures in life. Sex, food, taking a good dump and pissing when you've really, really got to go. Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! So if you don't eat hardly at all you lose half of life's biggest pleasures ... food & dump.

What to do ...

Some people opt for suicide when they get too fat. This is probably a good choice for them. Nobody ever committed suicide by mistake ... and they're the one's who ought to know best. After all, they're right there on the spot, with their nose in it, judging the situation like a plate umpire in the National League.

For those who want to live, I have only this to say. You can't get back on the catering wagon except by making an intellectual decision and implementing a purely intellectual plan of calorie counting. This is a mechanical process requiring a robot-like detachment. If you get emotional, you're sure to fall off the catering wagon again and shoot back up to 428 pounds.

Your attitude should be something Spockish like "Hmmmm ... I seem to have lost another pound today. Fascinating ..."

Also, I would consider it dangerous to lose more than a half pound per day no matter what your weight is. That would give you about a 180 pound loss for the year. Hell, that would be great wouldn't it?

So, what's stopping you? There was a Roman general according to Gibbon who, to avoid a costly battle, met with the opposing army general and proceeded to demonstrate the resolve of the Roman soldiers by ... sticking his hand in a fire and burning it off. The other army retreated without giving battle. You can do anything if it only requires will power. And ... you can do it all alone without any encouragement from anyone. You don't need hope. You just have to plod along like a robot and stick your ass in that fire till you burn it off.

And they tell me I have no feelings for others ... Hah!
Guess I proved 'em wrong, eh?

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