y relatives occasionally send me these lists of stories some of which are very funny. Supposedly they are all true. Here are some of them.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please
come out and give yourself up."
A man walked
into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the
cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
Last summer, down on Lake
Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour
of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking
someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the
water to check underneath. He came up choking on water ...
laughing. NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE... Under the
boat, still strapped securely in place, was ... the trailer.
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window and his printer is working fine."
An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell
Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when
she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had
just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had
just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged
coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
hen my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
Over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
Pizza shop slogan
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a laundry shop
"How about we refund your money,
send you a new one
at no charge,
close the store and have the manager
Would that be satisfactory?"
On an electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."
At an optometrist's office
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
At the electric company
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you
don't, you will be."