T

his past weekend I had the regular misfortune to need to take a dump at a store. This time Barnes & igNoble gets the shaft ... it could just as well be WalMart or any food place. They all stink and have toilet paper all over the floor and a sign on the inside of the door where whomever cleans up can note the time it was last cleaned ... with entries from last year.

But the worst thing in the men's room is the piss all over the toilet. You either clean it up yourself ... or ... take a dump elsewhere. What other options are there? The guilty parties are kids and teenagers (of course) who don't have the presence of mind to lift up the seat so as to take it out of the firing range.

So, why is this phenomena not addressed?

You can never expect human nature to change so we can't "educate" people to lift the seat up. It must lift itself. But ... there is a problem ... The toilet has only been around for about 300 years ... so how can we expect engineers and designers to think of something so unusual as a spring loaded seat that goes up unless you force it down and sit on it? After all 300 years is way too short a time to generate such a major scientific advancement in crap disposal.

Let me do the rocket science ...

First you take a coiled spring and install it on the toilet hinge. One end is stayed by the seat and the other has a long hook (plastic coated) which extends past the rim of the bowl. You install the toilet in the open position. Now, when somebody wants to take a crap, they force down the seat, sit on it, dump, wipe and leave ... then, the toilet rises into the up position when the occupant departs.

I know that this is difficult to comprehend so let me repeat it ...

First you take a coiled spring and install it on the toilet hinge. One end is stayed by the seat and the other has a long hook (plastic coated) which extends past the rim of the bowl. You install the toilet in the open position. Now, when somebody wants to take a crap, they force down the seat, sit on it, dump, wipe and leave ... then, the toilet rises into the up position when the occupant departs.

And ... once more for the terminally stupid ...

First you take a coiled spring and install it on the toilet hinge. One end is stayed by the seat and the other has a long hook (plastic coated) which extends past the rim of the bowl. You install the toilet in the open position. Now, when somebody wants to take a crap, they force down the seat, sit on it, dump, wipe and leave ... then, the toilet rises into the up position when the occupant departs.

Here's a picture.

Some sophisticated public toilets will have a shock absorber so that the seat will go up slowly and gracefully ... still others will play muzak as the seat triumphantly rises ... maybe something from Tchaikovsky's 5th Symphony (but not Beethoven please).

Note the anti-sway bar to hold the seat still on the bowl ... when the bolts have loosened ... which can never be tightened up because they are rusted in place ... and which I have attended to on another page ... HERE.

And ... I have a toilet paper page too ... TOILET PAPER.